on poetry …

I always come home from slams wanting to write. Wanting to twist my words into the rhythmic lyrics the poets create, wishing I had the words to write pain in my voice and broadcast it to millions, but I don’t. I write books, I write stories, stories of slutty girls who are not ashamed and darling bois who are worshiped. I go to slams and open mics and clap and holler and say it’s not my scene and then I come home and I write (I just mistyped hope for home) and I wonder what it is I’m really saying.

Because the words are only lyrical in my head and I use this glowing screen and a candle and I sit and the words of poets far more talented than me roll around me while I remember what it felt like to be terrified my sister was going to kill herself and what it was like to put my Ken dolls in dresses and what it feels like to think that you are just to fucking positive for me. Poets that make me cry in three minutes and it takes me six pages to say what I want to say and I can only hope to god I get it down before logic tells me it’s just not right.

There’s a new girl on the scene, only 26, who reminds me of me. And she talks about this time her best friend gave her permission to go crazy and I can only remember that night on the phone when I cried and screamed to my best friend about how my world was falling down around my ankles and I needed there to be someone other than me to blame and she gave me permission to be crazy. And that girl, that woman, who I love more than anyone else on the planet, who I stood next to at her wedding, who I want to protect to the end of the earth, she still loves me and knows me. I remember when I told her it was okay to be crazy. At least, I hope I made that clear enough.

And so this is what coming back from a slam does to me. It doesn’t make me want to compete or get up there and scream, but it makes me want to write. It makes me think harder about characters and makes me wish I was as talented as they are but I realized tonight, as I stood outside and hugged a girl I never thought I’d hug, that really, I’m not as insecure as I think I am.

Just because I don’t write words on rainbows and stand behind a mic to shout it to the world doesn’t mean I’m lesser than. I think about that a lot – these beautiful men and women, with their hands in their pockets and their cigarettes in their hands, how famous they already are. But see, I’ve never fit in with that. I bring my laptop everywhere – except maybe to a concert – and want to dive into my words at all times. I am terrified the stories will leave me when only, in truth, they get bigger and bigger and I meet people named Elizabeth and Gen and Heather and Max. I fall asleep dreaming of elves in the desert and castles under the earth.

So this tonight is my slam, my lyrical moment, my congratulations to the poets, of which I am not, who stand up and speak. Who charm me from my meh of a mood and remind me that the rock gods I write about are as important as the trembling voice of a forgotten memory.

Some lonely thoughts on culture from a rambling writer …

I might just be ranty tonight, but the word “culture” is sitting hard in my throat and I hate to admit that I might have wanted to cry a little bit on my drive home.

Why?

It hit me tonight. Sitting in a bar in Salt Lake, surrounded by friends, it hit me. She, this awesome, amazing friend of mine, shook her head and said “You know, I couldn’t date bi girls. It isn’t because of the man thing, it’s because I’m so immersed in my culture …”

And sitting there, watching the world unfold in slow motion, all I could think was “So I’m not good enough for your culture?” And then, I found myself wondering what the hell was meant by “culture.” Yeah, it killed my mood and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Because she’s right. Bi girls and bi boys don’t fit into anyone’s culture. And it isn’t about insecurities, it’s about somehow, I don’t “get” your culture.

Hey it’s true. Right? God I don’t even know what the fuck that means. I really don’t. Because culture is what culture is but I tell you, when I try to play in your culture, you don’t want me there and honestly, in most cities (outside of Boston and Austin) there really isn’t a “bisexual culture.” So, if it means I go home because it bugs me, then that is my deal. So what if I’ve spent my entire adult life looking for a bisexual culture only to be reminded that it’s all good, but … fine. I’ll stay home at night. I’ll get over what she said. Why? Because I love her. She is open and honest and has one of the best, infectious laughs and attitudes about life I’ve ever come across. She was honest. Can’t hate her for that.

But then I start thinking about my livelihood. I start thinking about my writing. Where the hell do bisexual rockstars fit into the mix? Or bisexual anythings? When we talked writing and marketing tonight, “Bisexual” never came up. It was all gay and lesbian fiction. That’s my fault. But at the same time, it terrifies me to think that somewhere out there, an editor is going to change things. So there I go, knowing the self publishing route is my option which only reinforces the idea that I’m not good enough for someone else’s culture. (Let’s put the very good realities of self-publishing aside for a moment in this ranty conversation I’m having with myself tonight.)

Because there isn’t a bi culture that fits in with the gay ones or the straight ones. And so many of my characters are gay and I know it’s because of my own internalized bi-phobia, something I have shaken off time and again, and yet … I sit there and realize how many of my characters aren’t bi. In fanfiction they have been, but not in my original stuff. And maybe I still haven’t shaken off the fact that I still feel inferior to every damned lesbian and gay man out there. Dan Savage, you can rant all you want about how the bisexuals hate you and how you don’t hate them, but when you create a culture of exclusion, we’re going to roll our eyes at you all the while wondering what we ever did to make you hate us so much.

I’ve been an activist in the bi community for fifteen years. I’ve marched, I’ve started groups, I’ve shouted down fellow activits. I still wonder why it is that my culture isn’t marketable, and worse, isn’t part of any other culture. We can sit around the table shooting the shit and smoking and drinking, but that’s not your culture.

Even now as I write this, I’m wondering if I’m going to be brave enough to post it. Maybe I’m just over thinking it. Maybe I need to relax. Maybe there’s a culture out there that I’m missing because so many people ARE coming out as bi. But it’s still there tonight. I wish it wasn’t. And sometimes, conversation is just conversation and it’s good because it makes me think.

A moment of honesty: What I’ve Learned from the last 81 days with PubSlush

I’m sitting in a local coffee shop, dreaming of a nap, and I find myself thinking back to what I could have done better over the last 81 days with PubSlush and what I can still do over the next 39.

I’ve got the FaceBook advertising down pat, though I still could do better with Twitter. I’ve learned that I fall into the “FB is Everywhere” mentality and so I don’t follow up on other social networks like I could. Those networks aren’t just twitter, but Good Reads and Tumblr as well. I could do better on this blog, of course, and on the PubSlush site.

The thing I haven’t done well at all is network with other writers. There’s a million blogs out there, a million twitter accounts, and I could do more. But see, that’s the issue. There’s a million blogs out there and I’m just not sure where to start and what I have the energy for. I’ve learned there are some sites that just aren’t worth it for me and there are some sites I haven’t utilized enough.

So, it isn’t over yet, but like with any campaign, it’s time to regroup and see what I’ve got out there. I’ll just have to sleep when I’m dead.

Buy a book, donate to a cause.

Buy a book, donate to a cause.

I wrote Shadows in the Spotlight partly because to me, the fight we dare not speak of is waging just below the skin of our culture. We still fear what we cannot see and we couch our fears in sex while glorifying violence. Someone said to me recently they would rather watch someone die on TV than watch two people kiss. For all the advancements in drug treatment, for all the moving forward in research, for how close we are (compared to then) to finding a cure, children and adults are still being infected and they still WAIT for treatment. Thank you ACT UP for speaking up, even today. This isn’t just about marketing. It’s about community connections. When Shadows reaches 50 supporters, $50 will go to SpyHop Records. At 100 supporters, $75 will go to The Utah AIDS Foundation. At 150 supporters, $100 will go to ACT UP. In addition, for every book bought, PubSlush will donate a book to a child literacy program. Have you pre-ordered?

On Inspiration

On Saturday night, I was lucky enough to celebrate Poetry Month at the Kings English Bookstore’s Poetry Slam. It was my first Slam and I was glad for the smaller atmosphere – it had been a long day and I was ready to just listen to some great poetry. And I laughed and I cried and I enjoyed myself completely. But it was the conversation after that stayed with me more than the poems themselves. While chatting with two other local authors and the MC of the Slam, Jesse Parent, we got to talking about comments made on pieces. Jesse told the story of how one person came up to him after a performance and asked “Where did you come up with that idea?” The four of us laughed heartily, talking about how inspiration just comes. But, at the back of my mind I couldn’t shake the question. After all, where does it come from?

Right now, I’ve got four novels kicking around my head. One is getting focus, one is getting toyed with, and two are getting character blogs posted. I’ve woken with music the characters listen to in my head, I’ve dreamed scenes, and if I don’t get to bed at a reasonable time so I can get to work I’m gonna get in trouble. But this morning, the question about inspiration lingers. While scientists and theologians debate the issue until the end of time, I just know that for me it comes in a million different places.

Shadows in the Spotlight is a perfect example. I will never forget the moment that Marc popped into my head. I was sitting on the floor of an old land-lady’s loft apartment. We had been set to move into a trailer on her property in North Carolina, but a hurricane had taken the property to task and so my now-ex and I were biding time in her home, trading internet usage with her pre-teen son. A woman with whom I am no longer friends was obsessed with David Bowie’s band “Tin Machine” and while I found the music less than inspiring, an image of one of the band members wouldn’t leave me alone. It was just an image, a picture of a man with long dark hair and eyes that told stories I wanted him to tell. Within hours, he’d become Marc, who within weeks evolved from boy band singer turned metal-head to eternal metal-head.

As I fell into Marc’s character, I fell back into the music of Queensryche, who have been my favorite metal band since I first moved past Metallica at the age of 12. Operation Mindcrime and Empire became constant replays even while I let myself dabble with the music of Tin Machine. Never quite obsessed with the music, I was instead obsessed with the image of different members of the band. My natural fangirl nature took over and ebay and I became quite close while I found myself desperate for the music that had inspired me to find this world. I admit to not having listened to any of the music from the band for years, but I thank David Bowie and even this ex-friend for awakening something within me that was waiting to explode.

And see, that’s what I think about inspiration. When I look at the stories in Shadows in the Spotlight – the AIDS crisis, the acceptance of homosexuality, the lack of respect for bisexuality within the larger gay community, the realities of heavy metal, drugs, and what it means to be a family, I know the inspiration was waiting for a trigger. It was all there in a story I needed to tell, but I needed to be pushed over the edge. I needed to be pushed off the cliff where I was already standing.

So to all of you who ask the question “where did you get the idea?” I hope that helps. I hope that makes some sense to you. The ideas are already there. It’s up to you to grasp them.

~Vega~

Upcoming Readings:

April 21 Crone’s Hollow: http://croneshollow.com/events/

April 23 Poets Aloud! http://www.facebook.com/events/276371989112135/

April 28 When She Speaks I Hear the Revolution  http://www.facebook.com/events/373848559313817/

The Next Big Thing?

What if you’d been on the committee that made the decision to publish Harry Potter? The Hunger Games? Even Twilight? What would you have said? A resounding yes? A hearty no? What comments would you have made? What connections would you have wanted to make with the authors? What if you had been the one to help unearth a superstar?

Now, you actually have that chance. Pubslush is a new kind of publisher for the 21st century. Readers decide what books get published, and for every book sold, a book is donated to a child in need. By the people, for the people!

The process is simple. First, authors submit ten pages and a summary of their book. Then, Pubslush lets you, the reader, browse the submissions based on your preferences. You read a brief overview, and if it strikes your fancy, you click through to read a more in depth description. If you’re still interested, you read an excerpt. And if that leaves you wanting more, you support it (which is committing to preorder the book)! You don’t get charged unless the book is published, so there’s no risk. And for every book sold, Pubslush donates a book to a child in need.*

The key however, is support. Reader supporting writer and the writers cannot do it without your help. Publication doesn’t happen without preordering. Writers have 120 days to secure 1000 of those preorders and then, the publication process begins. But what’s great for you, the reader, is that if you pledge to support a book, you get the recognition of discovering something great.

So what does this have to do with me?

Well …

Inspired by the music of Queensryche, Iron Maiden, Queen, Metallica, Judas Priest, and more – Shadows in the Spotlight is the story of Marc Gadling, a young musician who is navigating the waters of the emerging metal scene in Los Angeles, the gay counter culture in the city, and the rising fears of what came to be known as HIV/AIDS. It tells the story of his family – the brother who loves him unconditionally, the lover who dies too young, the best friend who is the silent sentinel, and the young prodigy who proves that even after death, there is life.

Here’s how it works. Shadows in the Spotlight is one of the books available for preorder on pubslush.com. If you like what you read, place a preorder as a promise, a promise that you will purchase this book once it is made available to buy. The thing is, this book cannot get published without your preorder and time is running out. If you’re wondering what you’re getting, Shadows in the Spotlight has a proven track record. An excerpt was published in the 2010 QSalt Lake Literary edition and it won the Honorable Mention in the 53rd Annual Utah Arts Council Fiction Writing Competition (2011).

For the past 40 days, support has been growing. But it isn’t enough. 958 preorders are still needed in the next three months to secure publication. If you like your books peppered with heavy hitting doses of rock music, fairy tales of boys who make it big, and stories of how family is formed through passion and not blood, take note of what Shadows in the Spotlight has for you.

http://www.pubslush.com/book/view/198

*Language taken from Pubslush.com’s website.

The Inspiration of Rock Fiction

I remember the moment I realized there was a genre called “rock fiction.” I was in Sam Weller’s book seller, wandering the shelves and shelves, when I stumbled upon a collection of the best in “rock fiction.” I remember grabbing the book from the shelf, in shock, thinking I’d been alone in the world. Only I was writing rock fiction stories. Of course, this wasn’t true. Even now I can think back to a book I loved when I was about ten or twelve – I can’t remember the name to save my life but it was about a girl who helped out with a band. Funny, I can see the image on the cover clear as day. But, I digress.

Rock fiction. Really, it’s a modern fairy tale. Rock stars and sports heroes are the new creatures of mythology. We crave the flashy lights they live in, even when we know nothing about them. Fan sites are full of fanfiction involving band members, fans follow bands from show to show, twitter knows before anyone else when someone sneezes. Like it or not, this is our world. These stars who live in spotlights expose the shadows in our minds. The inspire that which we set aside – the need to sing and dance, the passions of love and hate; they shed the tears we are scared of.

So if you think about it, rock fiction is only fiction in the sense that the names have been changed to protect all of us. We are as much the star as we are the fan within these stories.  And if you haven’t discovered the power of rock fiction, let me direct you to Sherman Alexie’s Reservation Blues. As an adult, that was the book that reopened my mind, exposing my own desires to tell these stories. As a story teller, I hope that I will someday spin a world as clearly as Alexie, but I do take comfort in my love of this story.

And I hope that you will also find a connection to my stars and shadows. .

Writerly Time Management

I think the hardest part of pushing the book right now is navigating the waters of creativity in other ways. Namely – the two novels and the plot bunny that won’t leave me alone. That doesn’t count my sorely neglected life as a blogger for the Utah Jazz. My poor family is begging me to start with the writing again so I’ll stop talking to them about the team. I need more sports fan friends … but I digress. My eyes stare at glowing screens all day at work and I get home only to turn on my computer and stare at the screen some more. My butt has a permanent imprint on my couch. When was the last time I curled up with a book and just enjoyed? When did I last unplug and let the characters really talk to me?

I find myself asking these questions and thinking these thoughts while staring at a glowing screen. It’s beautiful outside and I have Pink’s “Glitter in the Air” on repeat because the aforementioned plot bunny seems to demand it. I take breaks to stretch and twist while I write because the blood needs to keep flowing and here I am, still writing.

The part of me that is logical demands better time management. If I work from 8-5, go home, work out from 5-6, eat dinner from 6-7, publicize from 7-8, write from 8-10 … but I just don’t operate like that. I promise you that when that routine is put in front of me, oh shiny syndrome kicks into high gear. No, I’m a list person. I function better when the list is put in front of me and I can cross things off as I go. You should see the lists on post it notes in my office. And yes, they are all crossed off in different ways. In fact, I just threw one out. Anyway, precise schedules don’t work during basketball season, especially in March. (Again with the sports references …)

This is the same part of me that rejects anything to do with writing outlines. See, when I started this blog post, it was going to be about being a queer/pagan writer in Salt Lake. See where the muse took me. And trust me, this post is a lot more fun than the other one would have been. Don’t ask me how I know this, I just do. (Pause for another full body stretch to keep the blood flowing.)

So, as the clock ticks closer to the next thing I need to be doing, I have to keep myself from going to the pubslush site and seeing if just one more person has decided it’s worth it to take a risk on something that is not yet proved “Worthy” by some bestseller list. I will post this and hope it gets attention and that someone laughs while they read it. I’ll go home and make a pot of coffee and prepare myself for a night of writing – but somewhere in there that girlfriend of mine deserves some one-on-one time. I need to find some time to get the blood flowing. I have to stop staring at the clock. It, and the calendar, are going to drive me crazy. Nope, it’s all about lists.

Why I Chose PubSlush

I’ve been toying for a while with how to use my blog to push Shadows in the Spotlight. I want to make sure I’m not being redundant. I want to make sure people aren’t getting tired of me. But, 16 days into my push, with 37 wonderful people have decided that my work is good enough to for them to take a risk. And I thank them. But today, I want to talk about why I chose to work with PubSlush and it has more to do with my book than it does the rejections I’ve received.

Like most authors, my inbox is full of “thank you, but …” emails from agents and publishers. My favorites are the form letters that apologize for being form letters. I knew when I started to push Shadows in the Spotlight, I was walking that proverbial uphill trail while adding an avalanche to the mix. I’m writing not just a specific genre (rock fiction) but adding in gay and bisexual characters and the AIDS crisis. I might as well just take the book out and shoot it, right? Mainstream America isn’t quite ready for it, right?

My inbox is full of personal emails as well – commenting on things like commercial appeal or how it isn’t erotic enough. Honestly, I think publishers want uplifting stories. And while the market says that it’s tired of coming out stories, it really isn’t. None of my characters in this book have a coming out crisis. Marc’s father disowns him, but Marc himself doesn’t hem and haw. By the time you meet him, he’s the gay guy who brought gay to gayonia.

So, when I heard about PubSlush, it made sense to me. Here was a chance for readers to decide what was popular. I could make my case to readers, not to agents. But the real reason, the thing that made me hit click, was how close in ideals PubSlush is to the fictional record company in Shadows in the Spotlight.

Skid Records doesn’t operate like a lot of companies. They don’t put out singles so much as let radio stations decide what is popular in their region. They were ahead of the push on digital marketing. They demand their musicians (who own all the copyrights to the music by the way) participate in the scouting process for the next band that will blow everyone out of the water. Skid is a fantasy, but a viable one but to me, if PubSlush can make it work, so can they. Maybe it isn’t as much a fantasy as I’d like to imagine.

As the world spins ever closer to the ease of self-publishing and e-book publishing, I find myself asked a million questions about why I haven’t just gone to Amazon and used their platform. It might be something I do in the end. We’ll see how things take off. But as a writer, I know I also need support from editors. I get it that I’m going to miss things, no matter how carefully I try to put my product together. There are often legal issues within manuscripts and one misplaced band name and it’s game over if I piss off the wrong record company or very large basketball organization. Writers aren’t editors – no matter how good we are at it. It’s why we write. So at the moment, despite writers groups and beta editors, I need that support. So I chose a company to help me out.

PubSlush isn’t easy, and I like that. They demand from the get go that you, the writer, get involved. Just like Skid records, I’m engaged in the process. I’m learning. I’m seeing what is working and what isn’t working. It’s frustrating all the while being exhilarating. I don’t know if I’m going to succeed, but I’m trying. I’m getting people engaged. And I’m learning. All the while, I get the chance to tell some great stories.

Links that matter:
PubSlush
Pre-Order Shadows in the Spotlight
Find Shadows in the Spotlight on GoodReads
Shadows in the Spotlight On Twitter
Shadows in the Spotlight on Facebook
Shadows in the Spotlight on LiveJournal

My life for the next 111 days. :) Help a rocker out.

Dear Fellow Bibliophiles,

I recently uploaded my novel, Shadows in the Spotlight, to www.pubslush.com. This site is leading the revolution for a change in how publishing is done in this country. What’s cool about pubslush, and one of the reasons I chose it, is that it lets readers decide what books get published, and for every book sold, donates a book to a child in need.  I have 120 days to secure 1,000 preorders.  If I do, then pubslush will publish my book in physical and ebook format, and it will be sold everywhere.

So what is the book? Shadows in the Spotlight takes a look at how family is formed. This time around it isn’t just through the bonds of friendship or blood, but the passion of the stage. Five men come together and through their music, change how sexuality and Heavy Metal are defined for generations.

To support, please go to http://www.pubslush.com/book/view/198 and click “Support this book.”  (It’s the green button on the left.) You can choose to pre-purchase an ebook for $10, a physical book and ebook for $20, or choose a higher support level for additional incentives.

Some things to remember about supporting a book on PUBSLUSH:

1.      You are NEVER charged unless Shadows in the Spotlight gets published (aka reaches 1,000 preorders).
2.      If it’s published, you will be the first to receive your physical book and/or ebook.
3.      Your name will be in the book as a “discoverer.”
4.      For your purchase, a book will be donated to a child in need.
5.      You will be entered to win a free trip to Kenya to join PUBSLUSH on their first bookdrop.
6.      PUBSLUSH is a full service publisher.  This means my book will be edited, marketed, and designed properly to ensure you receive a high quality product.

In addition to purchasing your own copy, you can also gift the book to up to 10 people.  Please consider this option for the people in your life who believe in good books and giving back or people who are scared off by ordering things on the internet. 

Pubslush speaks to me because for once, the people get to decide what is important. I’ve had agent after agent and publishing company after publishing company tell me that it just “isn’t what they’re looking for right now.” Well, what about what people are looking for? But, because of that, I cannot be published without your support. Please consider forwarding this email to your friends and family to help spread the word about my book and pubslush. Let me know if you have any questions.

Thank you,
Shauna Brock

Twitter: @ShadowSpotlight
Facebook:  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Shadows-in-the-Spotlight/279396118798317
Pre-Order at PubSlush:  http://www.pubslush.com/book/view/198