Do we have to be “on” every single day?
I’m having one of those nights where it’s really hard to focus. I mean, I’m sitting here thinking about how all the cool blogs have a focus and I’m just this queer girl who has a queer view of the world and that’s what I want to write about, if I get my brain focused. Oh, and writing too. Gotta work writing into that somehow. Yes, in my mind, I just put “lol” after that sentence.
I’m not being completely unproductive. I watered the veggies (which are not doing as well as I’d hoped they would). I have some dishes to do, and I’ll get to them. But I can’t even claim the Olympics as distraction because the mute AND power buttons on my remote works and when I need to shut it all down, I can. It’s really just a case of the Mondays, but honestly, do writers really get cases of the Mondays?
I write seven days a week. If I didn’t have a day job, I’d probably write five, but I’d be writing for longer, healthier stretches. I wouldn’t need as much time to put my brain back together after I get home from work. But I’m not writing full time. If I can keep up this blog for a couple of months, I’ll look into freelancing again but even that means more writing time. Honestly, making it work while you have a day job is frustrating. Ask any musician or actor out there, you know. And I realized last night just how long it’s been since I was able to focus enough to submit anything.
There are times when I honestly wish I didn’t want this as a career, when I wish I could be happy coming home and playing with fic (which is epic in and of itself) but I could shut it all down at the end of the day and not worry that there isn’t any money or that things aren’t being submitted. I wish I could just take that breath and be glad when I focus only on my fantastic role-play characters. But when I start wishing like that, my stomach turns. There are stories, so many stories, trapped inside of me. Some are fanfic – some are glorious stories about CJ Cregg and Jenny Shepard. Others are symphonies written about rock stars. These stories matter, all of them.
So tonight, while I sit here watching swimming and diving and all the other stuff that comes along with NBC’s coverage of these games, I’ll nurse my beer and do some editing. I think it’s all I’m really good for tonight, but it’s something. I need to get focused again. I have to.
I have made the decision that I am going to participate in Camp NanoWrimo for August. I’ll be cheating a bit and working on a novel I am two chapters in to and that has many bits and pieces written already. But I think it’s a story that flows well enough that if I force myself to sit down and focus, I’ll get it pushed out. But tonight, I’m editing and grateful for it. I’ll pull myself out of this funk. I’m tired of not having “on” days.