Where I’ve been and what I’m dreaming of …
Approximately six weeks ago, I stumbled onto A Room of Her Own. It was a link tagged in the Virginia Woolf tag on tumblr. The link led me to this website that opened up a whole new world for me. An application that granted what was necessary for female writers – a room of one’s own and funding to maintain it. Within moments, I’d downloaded the application. What happened after was mind-blowing.
Honestly, not that much of the application was all that frightening to me. I was ready for the questionnaire and even the concepts posted in the financial statements and the marketing ideas. I’ve been through a lot of it already while preparing for working with pubslush.com. What I wasn’t ready for was the realization that for as much as I say it to other people, I needed to say it to myself.
To succeed, I need more help than I have. Not only that, I need to ask for it.
It’s one thing to accept the help given in a writer’s group situation. But I am in control of what I turn in, how often I write, and even the critques I choose to listen to. But to actively say, “I have come to the end of what I am capable of on my own” is a completely different world. A day after submitting my application, I find myself wondering when it will all sink in.
But the other thing that has stayed with me is the fact that I admit for the first time, even to myself, that I’ve been censoring my characters. I have gay characters and straight characters but in my first novel, the one I’ve been submitting here and there and winning awards for, I haven’t accepted my protagonist’s bisexuality. I said it. I admitted it. Now I get to face that reality as I keep writing and submitting
But now, I wait. Now I return to writing. I am not participating in NanoWrimo. I need the break from any kind of pressured writing. Now I’m going to blog and play with fanfiction and get to know my characters again.
Keep your fingers crossed.